spray tan

Spray Tan Say WHAT?

So, I recently took another plunge into unknown territory (I’m getting very adventurous these days!) and I decided to try out a spray tan. Well, as it turns out, like many things I was not prepared.

It seemed innocent enough. Famous last words, I guess.

Here’s the deal. Summer is a weird time for me. It’s like, hey, it’s hot and it’s time for shorts so here are my ghastly white legs. I look like a Cullen.

cullen family

Credit: Twilight Wiki Fandom

My friend was having a later-in-life wedding, her first, and I wanted to look nice to support her on her special day! I once again tried the Jergens route, but it’s a non-starter. No matter how well I moisturized, how delicately or intricately I attempted to apply, it never went on evenly. And for some reason, it always seemed to glop around my ankles. Like, what the hell!? I even looked into getting mits to apply the concoction. Whatever. It wasn’t working.

A woman from my gym raved about this business nearby, so I decided to give it a try. The Instagram page had tips about what to do before and after, it seemed pretty straightforward. I wasn’t the least bit concerned.

Let’s begin the list of things I didn’t think through:

#1 – what I would be wearing during the application process.

She provided a paper thong for me to wear. I’ve never worn a paper thong this was a new experience. It was crunchy and stiff. Also, there was nothing to do about my breasts. I had to basically stand in the nude in front of a total stranger.

Quick aside: this woman couldn’t have been nicer or more welcoming. Truly. This is just me and all my awkward ways.

#2 – How I would have to stand.

I didn’t know you would have to stand in all of these different poses like I’m in some bodybuilding competition. I had to stick my legs out awkwardly and point my toes. I had to make claw motions with my hands so she could spray between my fingers.

#3 – I wouldn’t be allowed to put my bra on afterward.

I’m sorry, what now? You said to wear baggy or loose-fitting clothes. You said nothing about NO BRA. Wearing a bra is my lifeline. I wear, what I call, a “sleeping bra.” I can’t be free-balling. Also, the loose-fitting top I wore had a VERY free-flowing shirt. My 8-year-old even said to me when I got home, “Mom, I can see your boob through your armhole.” Thanks, bubz. 🤦‍♀️

#4 – No sweating allowed.

I’m sorry, but some things just can’t be controlled. I have hyperhidrosis and it’s summertime in Indiana. So, I missed my daughter’s softball practice.

$5 – The first 24 hours are critical. No showering with soap except your privates.

I … um … again with the sweat and the summer …

#6 – It stains everything even hours after.

I went to bed seven hours after the application. Naturally, I love sleeping on white sheets. Ever since I was a kid. I don’t know what it is. I’ve always felt like I sleep better on white sheets. I used to beg my mom to put my white sheets on the bed and was miserable when it was the off week and I had to use the other sheets. Fortunately, I found something online that helped me get the freaking orange stains off the next morning. MY GOD. I’m a freaking Oompa Loompa and I’m staining everything in sight!

oompa loompa self tanner

Credit: Warner Bros

(Of course, I now can’t find the link I referenced. It said to use Dawn dish soap and soak. Then if that doesn’t work use vegetable glycerin – which oddly enough I happened to have because I definitely needed it – and then wash. DO NOT put it in the dryer because it will set the stain.)

#7  – My feet look freakish.

Even though my friend said they looked good, I think she was just being kind. Though she did share a horror story of her spray tan and bronzer experience and she did a boudoir photo shoot where the person had her on a white bed and she stained the bed. I guess we’ve all had our things. Even Selena Gomez had a Met Gala issue! Talk about embarrassing and in front of everyone. Poor girl!

Basically, I accomplished what I wanted, but I learned a little more after the fact than I expected. Would I do it again? Maybe. It definitely won’t be a regular occurrence.



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Heather Chastain

About Heather

(So, my web designer says I needed to include a bio, though I find this task silly because, if you’re here, you know me.)

I’m a writer. It’s what I do. It’s a cathartic mechanism when I need release from my anxiety. I’ve had blogs in the past; I’ve taken them down, but I never stopped writing. I simply can’t. My notes app is forever long as it’s filled with pages and pages of different topics. Sometimes I just write a few sentences. Sometimes I write paragraphs.

Recently, I've been writing long essays. My friends and others I hold dear have coaxed me into sharing my work again.

So that's what I'm doing, you wicked, pushy people. LOL

I have no desire to see my writing be anything more than an opportunity to share what I love doing most. I have no interest in this blog reaching the masses.

I thought it would be fun to call it My Spicy Disaster because that's often how I feel. A complete mess of epic proportion. So join me, if you'd like, and let's pretend we're not sitting amongst the chaos crying, but laughing instead.

Or maybe we do cry sometimes, but then wipe our tears and remember one person’s disaster is another person’s … well, who the hell knows …