Spray Tan Say WHAT?

So, I recently took another plunge into unknown territory (I’m getting very adventurous these days!) and I decided to try out a spray tan. Well, as it turns out, like many things I was not prepared.

It seemed innocent enough. Famous last words, I guess.

Here’s the deal. Summer is a weird time for me. It’s like, hey, it’s hot and it’s time for shorts so here are my ghastly white legs. I look like a Cullen.

My friend was having a later-in-life wedding, her first, and I wanted to look nice to support her on her special day! I once again tried the Jergens route, but it’s a non-starter. No matter how well I moisturized, how delicately or intricately I attempted to apply, it never went on evenly. And for some reason, it always seemed to glop around my ankles. Like, what the hell!? I even looked into getting mits to apply the concoction. Whatever. It wasn’t working.

A woman from my gym raved about this business nearby, so I decided to give it a try. The Instagram page had tips about what to do before and after, it seemed pretty straightforward. I wasn’t the least bit concerned.

Let’s begin the list of things I didn’t think through:

#1 – what I would be wearing during the application process.

She provided a paper thong for me to wear. I’ve never worn a paper thong this was a new experience. It was crunchy and stiff. Also, there was nothing to do about my breasts. I had to basically stand in the nude in front of a total stranger.

Quick aside: this woman couldn’t have been nicer or more welcoming. Truly. This is just me and all my awkward ways.

#2 – How I would have to stand.

I didn’t know you would have to stand in all of these different poses like I’m in some bodybuilding competition. I had to stick my legs out awkwardly and point my toes. I had to make claw motions with my hands so she could spray between my fingers.

#3 – I wouldn’t be allowed to put my bra on afterward.

I’m sorry, what now? You said to wear baggy or loose-fitting clothes. You said nothing about NO BRA. Wearing a bra is my lifeline. I wear, what I call, a “sleeping bra.” I can’t be free-balling. Also, the loose-fitting top I wore had a VERY free-flowing shirt. My 8-year-old even said to me when I got home, “Mom, I can see your boob through your armhole.” Thanks, bubz. 🤦‍♀️

#4 – No sweating allowed.

I’m sorry, but some things just can’t be controlled. I have hyperhidrosis and it’s summertime in Indiana. So, I missed my daughter’s softball practice.

$5 – The first 24 hours are critical. No showering with soap except your privates.

I … um … again with the sweat and the summer …

#6 – It stains everything even hours after.

I went to bed seven hours after the application. Naturally, I love sleeping on white sheets. Ever since I was a kid. I don’t know what it is. I’ve always felt like I sleep better on white sheets. I used to beg my mom to put my white sheets on the bed and was miserable when it was the off week and I had to use the other sheets. Fortunately, I found something online that helped me get the freaking orange stains off the next morning. MY GOD. I’m a freaking Oompa Loompa and I’m staining everything in sight!

(Of course, I now can’t find the link I referenced. It said to use Dawn dish soap and soak. Then if that doesn’t work use vegetable glycerin – which oddly enough I happened to have because I definitely needed it – and then wash. DO NOT put it in the dryer because it will set the stain.)

#7  – My feet look freakish.

Even though my friend said they looked good, I think she was just being kind. Though she did share a horror story of her spray tan and bronzer experience and she did a boudoir photo shoot where the person had her on a white bed and she stained the bed. I guess we’ve all had our things. Even Selena Gomez had a Met Gala issue! Talk about embarrassing and in front of everyone. Poor girl!

Basically, I accomplished what I wanted, but I learned a little more after the fact than I expected. Would I do it again? Maybe. It definitely won’t be a regular occurrence.