Meditation Is Not For Me
As I think many can agree, telling someone to calm down or take a deep breath is the surest and quickest way to make a person do the exact opposite. I will erupt, lose my mind and forget to breathe and will suddenly begin to hyperventilate. So when people encourage those with anxiety, like me, to meditate and find their center, I basically have to check to make sure my eyeballs are still inside my head and haven’t rolled out onto the floor from rolling them so hard. It just doesn’t work for me.
I live out loud. For me, I have to essentially vomit up my thoughts and feelings so I can look at them in front of me so I can see how I best want to handle them. It’s how I process. That’s why, as I shared in my bio, I’ve written many blogs over the years and the notes section of my phone is forever long. I have to get my thoughts OUT. I cannot fold them into myself and handle them that way. I need to see them in front of me. I’m a visual learner and keeping them contained within myself just doesn’t work for me.
One of the other hard lessons I’ve had to learn (many, many times over) is just because I need to write it, it doesn’t mean it needs to be read. Which is why I switched over to my notes app on my phone. I need to get it out. Fine. No one else needs to know what I’m thinking or feeling, necessarily. Except maybe my husband and my therapist. I really enjoy writing and not everything I write couldn’t be shared, so here I am.
Newfound Meditation Territory
So when I entered a really busy time in my life at the beginning of 2023, the one glaringly obvious thing was I needed to take time to slow down, at least for a bit, every day. I ended up using the Hallow app. It’s a Catholic-based prayer app designed to help guide you in prayer and meditation. It came highly recommended.
I was expecting to hate it.
I was going to do it throughout Lent and even subscribed to their #Prayer40 challenge. I ended up LOVING IT! It was exactly what I needed and I’ve continued to listen to other prayers and mediations every day since. It’s been a wonderful way to begin my days.
I typically listen to them while still in bed, before my feet have even hit the floor. I want to start on the most peaceful, calm, centered (wow, this sounds hokey, but I swear it’s working for me) foot I can and this app is helping with it. My husband even started it with me. He’s not Catholic, but found it was helpful for him too! We’ve been listening together and we are talking about it almost daily. It’s been really wonderful.
So even though I tell myself I’m not meditating because what I’ve tried in the past has allowed my mind to wonder as it’s been too quiet and my anxious thoughts begin to form, the guided prayers have been helpful and given me strength to get through these hectic days because Lord knows I need all the strength I can get! I encourage you to check out something similar that works for you!
(So, my web designer says I needed to include a bio, though I find this task silly because, if you’re here, you know me.)
I’m a writer. It’s what I do. It’s a cathartic mechanism when I need release from my anxiety. I’ve had blogs in the past; I’ve taken them down, but I never stopped writing. I simply can’t. My notes app is forever long as it’s filled with pages and pages of different topics. Sometimes I just write a few sentences. Sometimes I write paragraphs.
Recently, I've been writing long essays. My friends and others I hold dear have coaxed me into sharing my work again.
So that's what I'm doing, you wicked, pushy people. LOL
I have no desire to see my writing be anything more than an opportunity to share what I love doing most. I have no interest in this blog reaching the masses.
I thought it would be fun to call it My Spicy Disaster because that's often how I feel. A complete mess of epic proportion. So join me, if you'd like, and let's pretend we're not sitting amongst the chaos crying, but laughing instead.
Or maybe we do cry sometimes, but then wipe our tears and remember one person’s disaster is another person’s … well, who the hell knows …