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A Change Of A Dress?

So, I had this really wild idea to have a fancy family photo shoot. My photographer friend / terrible influence (LOL) totally encouraged this and I showed her the dress and then I fell down the rabbit hole.

change of dress - house of harlow dress

This is the dress I lusted after!! I was so excited. It would match my new emerald-cut diamond ring! I couldn’t wait!!!

I thought I had found the perfect dress. After I carefully opened it and slipped it on over my head, I was immediately struck with a terrible problem – the slit is cut WAAAYY too high! It’s also slit up the middle (I feel it’s not properly depicted in the photograph by the way she’s standing) and my lady bits were showing! The hubs was shocked as well. He kept trying to twist the dress to conceal me, but each time I would take a step, it would right itself forward and I would be back to bearing it all. ACK! Is it possible this model is short and I’m simply too tall? I don’t know, but now I’m on the hunt for a new dress!

Things to know about me: I’m very aware of my flaws (the sleeves on this dress were unkind once I had it on), things that are normal length on regular-sized people are entirely too short on me, I absolutely will not show off my stomach (it used to be cute, those days are gone) and I have no problem showing my chest.

Here are just a few of the dresses I’ve seen during my search today:

dresses dresses

dresses dresses








Okay, this might also now categorize me in the “You’re Getting Old” lane, but what on EARTH are these garments!? A Level 41, Gen X, suburban, small business owner and mother of two has absolutely no idea what to do with the items shown above. The green one gives me Ursula vibes, so that’s kinda cool, but I would for sure get tangled in the draped pieces and fall and dent the other ass cheek (yeah, one of my cheeks is dented from a fall down the stairs in 2012, for real).

More Questionable Dresses

dresses - cutout                    dresses - feathers               

Feathers also seem to be having a moment (I really hate birds, so I’ll pass) and some of these cutout dresses are gravity-defying! I also don’t do strapless after years of having a larger chest (too many issues to name, but they all center around strapless bras and nip slips) and I’m basically just wishing I could commission my own dress. That’d be awesome, but I live in the real world and I will continue to scour the interwebs to find a suitable, striking, and sophisticated dress for my photoshoot. Wish me luck!

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Heather Chastain

About Heather

(So, my web designer says I needed to include a bio, though I find this task silly because, if you’re here, you know me.)

I’m a writer. It’s what I do. It’s a cathartic mechanism when I need release from my anxiety. I’ve had blogs in the past; I’ve taken them down, but I never stopped writing. I simply can’t. My notes app is forever long as it’s filled with pages and pages of different topics. Sometimes I just write a few sentences. Sometimes I write paragraphs.

Recently, I've been writing long essays. My friends and others I hold dear have coaxed me into sharing my work again.

So that's what I'm doing, you wicked, pushy people. LOL

I have no desire to see my writing be anything more than an opportunity to share what I love doing most. I have no interest in this blog reaching the masses.

I thought it would be fun to call it My Spicy Disaster because that's often how I feel. A complete mess of epic proportion. So join me, if you'd like, and let's pretend we're not sitting amongst the chaos crying, but laughing instead.

Or maybe we do cry sometimes, but then wipe our tears and remember one person’s disaster is another person’s … well, who the hell knows …